After seeing a tweet from
Ricky Gervais about how “That bloody Higgs Boson gave me too much mass.” is the Fat persons next excuse. I just had to write this..
How to Gain Weight and Influence People.
There are lies, damn lies and lies fat people tell. We’ve all done it. Those little white lies we tell to try to disguise the undeniable fact that we eat too much. Yet some people seem to have made a science of this art form, to the point that these fibs have become inherent in our language. We try to explode some of these myths here, and leave the chubsters nowhere to hide.
1) I Don’t Know Why I Put on Weight; I Hardly Eat Anything
When confronted by this whopper, the natural reaction of the recipient is to slap the person. We marvel at the ability of these people to practice self delusion on such a grand scale. This is the equivalent statement to, ‘my car’s doing too many miles to the gallon’. It defies the laws of physics, chemistry and biology. One down, nine to go.
2) I’m Retaining Water
I think what you’ll find, is that when people try to articulate this particular fraud, they’re actually retaining chocolate. To retain say 55 pounds of water, you would have to retain nearly 7 gallons. You would be sloshing and squelching around like a Michelin man full of liquid. You would have to be the equivalent of a human camel or a giant human sponge. Do you think I’m some kind of an idiot or something?
3) I’m Big Boned
Bones make up around 15% of a human’s body weight. An adult weighing 176 lbs, can expect to have a skeletal mass of around 33 lbs. A person who was 66 lbs overweight, as a result of being big-boned, would have to have a skeletal mass, greater than double the norm. Whereas this quotient does vary from individual to individual, the differences are generally slight, and medically recorded cases of such extremes are unknown.
4) I Can’t Lose Weight
It’s true that overeating is an addiction. Let’s face it, if we didn’t eat we’d die. Nobody’s saying it’s easy to lose weight, but people do manage it all the time. It takes a certain amount of willpower and commitment. It also requires that you have to stop lying to yourself. Saying ‘I can’t lose weight’, is the equivalent of claiming a genetic predisposition to saying no to chocolate cake. This futile argument could be applied to almost anything. ‘I can’t clean the dishes. My dish washing gland was ripped out in a freak accident’.
5) I’m Starting My Diet/training Tomorrow
‘The sun’ll come out tomorrow…’. No seriously though. How many times have we heard this one. More times than we’ve heard, ‘I’m starting my diet right now’. The shifting sands of future diet starting dates, is about as solid as, ‘the cheque’s in the post’. It’s an insult to our intelligence.
6) My Latest Gadget / Fad Diet Will do the Trick
Every year, millions of pudgy suckers are parted with millions of pounds worth of their hard earned money, in exchange for the promise of miracle weight loss by one dodgy means or another. These are as disparate as reality defying exercise gadgets, and revolutionary drugs and/or diets. Why are people so willing to give credence to these manipulative racketeers, and why is this practice even legal. It seems that a weight loss invention doesn’t have to be remotely plausible to be allowed onto the market. Hang on, I’ve got one, I call it the diet hat. Just wear this hat, it’s scientifically proven to lose weight for the wearer. ‘What scientists’, you ask. Oh, the independent ones who work for me. Only $199.00 plus shipping and handling, thanks very much. So long suckers.
7) I’m Happy With my Current Weight
Yeah right. It seems there are so many overweight people who are claiming to be happy with their figures, yet not many people who are unhappy having fantastic physiques. Does it strike these people as odd, that there is a multi-billion pound industry geared towards helping people get into great physical shape, yet no products to help people who are struggling to become obese. Could it be that these people are like little children lost in the dark, whistling to try to keep their spirits up. Do we spare these people their blushes, and politely reply, ‘good for you’. Hell no, you lying tubsters.
8) Things Will Change on their Own
This is about as likely as emptying a tin of alphabet soup out of a 3rd floor window, and expecting it to land on the pavement in the form of a Shakespearean sonnet. People who are victims of this particular delusion, are like punch-drunk prizefighters, getting knocked down, only to get up back again and endure more punishment. Reality is cruel.
9) Being Fat Runs in my Family
This is a variation of the ‘I can’t lose weight’ deception. Did you ever stop to wonder why this is. Is it that fat people have a combination of chromosomes that thin people don’t have. Or, is it that fat parents give their kids huge portions of food. Do these overfed children then pass this trait on to their own kids, and so the cycle of abuse continues. Is it easier to blame nature than our parents. Mmm, let me think about this one.
10) The Only Way is Surgery / Liposuction
I’ve saved the best for last. This is a very special lie, told only by the pathologically deluded. If anybody ever tries to pass this one off on you, don’t have anything more to do with them.
In Conclusion
If we are to lose weight, perhaps the first loss, should be the weight of our denial. We can not hope to shed a single pound, till all of our weight-loss fallacies are debunked. In truth, there is only one way to lose weight, and this is to create a calorie deficit. This can only be achieved naturally by a combination of diet and/or exercise. It is far from quick and easy. Sorry to burst your bubble porky, but it’s for your own good. Hey, I care.
